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Archive for August, 2007

With the bitter taste of humiliation still lingering in the mouth of England, I believe it is time for us to move on and reminisce about finer days.  Why it is hard to recall look back in history and not recall a moment when the Germans got a good throttling at the hands of the allies.  There’s WWI, WWII, the ’66 final, and of course the major motion picture ‘Victory’.  In more recent history one has to celebrate a diplomatic victory with Boris Johnson’s efforts in this testimonial.

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Prior to what will undoubtedly be a poor performance from the England national team, here are the highlights from the best England performance in recent memory. Interesting to note that all the England goals are scored by Liverpool players. Crouchy for a hat-trick, then.

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In the spirit of things I thought I might be able to get my agent to pull a few strings and get me into Emirates for a

Mr. John,

I am eagerly awaiting information on your end for the PSV Eindhoven trail on September 25th. I can tell you I am extremely excited about the possibility of making the first team. Alex has been in my eye ever since Arsenal got knocked out of the Champions League last season. I am a great supporter of Arsenal and was wondering if you had any connections there? Is there a possibility I could get a trial with Wenger? Some of my friends refer to me as the “Sol of Abermarle County”. I am in constant training and will be ready on your advice.

Sincerely,

Flaming

Unfortunately our friend Mr. John could not pull the right strings at the puppeteers dance, leaving me with about as much choice as Gabriel.

Hello FlamingWok66

How are you doing?Below is the Agency Agreement Form..I will liuke you to print it,fill it and scan it and send it to my email as soon as possible so i can start the processing….

Right now i don;t have any offer from Arsenal..I will like you to yake the offer from PSV Eindhoven Football Club…

I will like you to train very hard…

I will like you to call me on +2348050355768 so i can explain more to you…

Hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

My Legal adviser has warned me that it is best not to sign the contracts due to the suspicious nature of the creased paper and the $390 fee that is supposed to be a managers fee.   Contract negotiations are ongoing at this point.

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As the saga of a young footballer continues, things have taken a turn for the better for our protagonist…

Hello Falming [sp]

How are you doing?I will Like to inform you that the club have just contacted me Today that you have pass the screening and you are selected for a try-out on 25th September 2007.

The Agency will take care of your expences(Feeding,Travelling,Accomodation E.t.c)

So i will like to know if you are still intrested so i can send you the Agency Agreement Form…i will Like you to train very hard.

.call me on +2348050355768 for more information….

hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

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With the transfer season window closing in like doors of a subway car, players and coaches are rushing to get on the right side of the tracks.  One club, PSV Eindhoven has become so desperate they have sought out the efforts of an extremely talented and good looking but somewhat renegade player, namely Me.  I received the following correspondence a few days ago.

Hello Player,

How are you doing today? Hope you are fine. I just want to use this opportunity to inform you of the new offer which i have for you in
P.S.V Eindhoven Football club in Holland, and I can also take you to a
soccer club in New-Zealand,Australia and United State of America. If you are interested, i will advice you to send me your CV(RESUME) so that i can access and forward to the club. As i told you earlier on that Trends
will serve you and link you to the best team suited your taste but you need
to train hard. I also want to advice you to take the Full advantage which
Trends International have for you. I want you to include your
telephone
Number in your next reply so that i can call you for better
explanation. Thank you and Hope to hear from you.

YOURS IN SPORTS

MR JOHN

TRENDS INTERNATIONALS SPORTS

I have frequently received offers to join Droylsden and Wrexham but the chance to play in the European theater was not a chance I could pass up.  So I duly responded….

 Dear Mr. John,

I am very interested in your email.  Bellow I have listed my soccer experience and profile for your information.  I look forward to hearing back from you in the near future and greatly anticipate a strong partnership between the two of us in the world of football.

FlamingWok66, 22.
Nationality: British
Religion: Football
Positions:  Left Back, Missionary

Experience:
2007- Ron T. Colts Kickball tournament  – 2nd place

2006-2007 SOCA Division II  – Captain CSKA Elmo
2005-2006 SOCA Division III – Captain CSKA Elmo

2004-2005 SOCA Tornadoes- Coach (14W-1L)

2003 – Vice-Captain Cross Country Bryanston School, England

                                                Colours awarded (2002,2003)

1992 – Wolves (Atlanta, YMCA)
1991-  Attack ( Atlanta, YMCA)

I hope you find the above information helpful as we scribble the beginnings of football history back and forth.

Yours Truly,
FlamingWok

I received the following correspondence but a few minutes ago:

Hello Flaming

   How are you doing?i will like to inform you that  i Love your Cv when i saw it yesterday and i will tell you i have forwarded your  Cv to P.S.V Eindhoven Football club in Holland for screening…

   i will contact you maybe today or tomorrow when the club contact me on the result….

  I will like you to send me your cell phone number and here is my number to call me +2348050355768  hoping to hear from you ..

 Are you training oftenly?????

  Thanks

Mr John

I will keep you updated on my career but don’t be surprised to see a ridiculously good looking new player at PSV.

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It’s been quite the exciting weekend for the WWFU. Not only did my beloved Liverpool win the type of tough road game that they have always dropped points from in previous seasons (although I can’t link to a video of the Gerrard free kick because some fucking Premier League suit decided that allowing a global fanbase to grow by posting highlights on the internet is too smart of an idea), but our humble publication enjoyed its two biggest days ever thanks to being linked to by Weekend Daddy #1 over at Deadspin. Also, the Pubes tag debuted, and thanks to the Deadspin link it will probably be the most popular category ever for the WWFU.

Now, on a football related topic, a warrant was issued for the arrest of City owner, and former Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra.

Thailand is seeking extradition, and this could jeopardise his ownership of the club, as FA rules state that only “fit and proper persons” may own football clubs. I don’t really know that much about Thailand, save for the fact that they are known for ladyboys, but I don’t know if a charge brought by a government imposed by military junta carries that much weight.

And for shits and giggles, here is a picture of a popular Thai ladyboy band. Feel free to question your sexuality.

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It appears as if Brian at The Offside has found a video of the Gerrard goal that has yet to be taken down by the BPL Gestapo. I won’t post it here, but if you follow the above link you can see it.

Also, it seems as if Peter Crouch has challenged the rest of the Liverpool squad to a facial hair growing contest. The garbage-ass article in the Mirror that I linked to seems to insinuate that there has not been a successful athlete with facial hair in a long time. What it neglects to consider, though, is that Liverpool and mustaches go together like beans and toast. Perhaps channeling some of the mustaches of old will be what brings LFC number 19. Below is a look at a few historical Liverpool ‘staches.

Graeme Souness:

While some people may only know Souness for his mostly disastrous managerial career, he is probably the finest midfielder to ever play at Liverpool football club. All that needs to be said about him is even his mustache is hard.

Ian Rush:

The all time leading scorer in the English First Division (though Sky will have you believe that nothing existed before 1992, Alan Shearer is not, in fact, the greatest goalscorer in the history of the English game), Rushie would not have been the same player if it were not for his trademark ‘stache.

Bruce Grobbelaar:

Famous for pioneering the wobbly legs that Dudek used in 2005, Grobbelaar was known for his adventuresome nature at the back, match-fixing allegations (never proved–fuck you Sun), and his sweet ‘stache.

And of course, no Liverpool mustache related post would be complete without the Scouser-stache picture. I don’t care that it is derogatory, it’s damn funny.

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