Monday morning, three clubs–Newcastle United, Portsmouth, and Glasgow Rangers–were raided by City of London police as part of an investigation into corruption in football. Details are hard to come by, but thanks to some sort of email snafu, I have been accidentally sent a list of the next clubs to be raided.
Sheffield United – Treason
As the above video proves without a shadow of a doubt, Sheffield United is Hitler’s favorite team. Hitler sucks (so does Sheffield United). Even though he’s been dead for 60 years, I’m pretty sure he’s up to something. The police seem to think so too.
Liverpool – Illegal Immigration
As every red-blooded American knows, there is no difference between Spainiards and Mexicans. Liverpool has a shitload of Mexicans on their team. Every Mexican dreams of sneaking into America and mooching off of the hard-working American taxpayer. Thus, Liverpool’s stockpiling of Mexicans must be related to some sort of international Mexican smuggling syndicate.
Arsenal – 419 Scamming
As far as I know, Arsenal does not have any Nigerians on their team. The police investigators are convinced, though, that with all the young African talent that comes through Arsenal they are bound to know something about the 419 scams. I would say more but the son of a Nigerian diplomat needs my help getting his father’s $150 million fortune out of the country.
Manchester United – Sodomy
A picture is worth a thousand words.