Archive for March, 2007

It was revealed today that Liverpool left back John Arne Riise has been declared bankrupt over a £100,000 debt. This debt is said to have stemmed from some unwise investments made by his former manager. If I were managing his investments, I think that I could think of some better ways to spend his money.

1,330 Right-footed Boots

Riise’s inability to do anything with his right foot other than plant it is maddening. It does not make sense to me that someone who makes their living as a professional athlete can have such a glaring hole in their game. Even players from my ill-fated men’s league team had better off-feet than Riise. I would counsel him that out of these 1330 boots there has to be at least one that can make his right foot less horrible.

50,000 Cans of Viking Beer

I actually don’t know how many cans you could buy for £100,000, but it’s probably a lot. If I were Norweigan I’d be crushing this stuff all the time. I mean, it’s a beer that is named after Riise’s people; it would be like if I found a beer called Gypsy. Also, if he drank enough of it he might get the stick out of his ass that prevented him from singing karaoke with Craig Bellamy.

1 Steve Perry Concert

I’m sure for enough money Riise could convince Steve Perry to play a personal concert for him. Perry would undoubtedly perform his biggest solo hit, “Oh, Sherrie,” which also happens to be one of the greatest karaoke songs ever. Once Riise sees this performed live he will be so inspired by its majesty that he will never duck out of a karaoke performance again.

Clearly I’ve got this money spending thing figured out. Any professional athletes who want to take advantage of my services, send me an email and we can set up a lunch meeting.


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In light of the recent allegations that six members of the Czech national team, including vice-captain Tomas Rosicky, were caught cavorting with hookers late into the night after their 2-1 defeat to Germany, I have taken it upon myself to defend Rosicky’s honor.

The Czech journalist who broke the story claims that the players “drank and hugged prostitutes.” I think it is safe to assume that this is as far as it went, as Rosicky, being an Arsenal man, would rather make the extra pass–which in this convoluted analogy means more hugging–than go for goal.

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