It has been said that there is no better place to voice your opinions than on the PA. You have the power to mock, create mobs, and ultimately become the loudest advocate for your side. Here is a collection of some of my favorite stadium announcements:“Will Mr Darling go back home to Cambridge to see his wife go into labour. Thank you.”
Stafford Rangers v Cambridge United.

“A message for the owner of car registration —–. Your windows are wide open in the car park. It’s a Rover, so it won’t get stolen, but you had better return to it.”
Plymouth Argyle v Coventry.

“Substitution for West Germany…”
Stadium announcer at Croke Park for the Ireland v Germany match, not realising reunification had taken place.

“Could the owner of a Vauxhall Astra, registration number P914…., please return to their vehicle immediately, as it is rolling unacompanied.”
Heard at Oxford v Torquay.

Will the owner of a horse attached to a rag and bone cart in the visitors’ car park return to his vehicle immediately
Cardiff City PA announcer Ali Yassin welcomes West Ham to Ninian Park.

Chris Waddle: “I would like to see Bentley brought on for the last 20 minutes.”
Mike Ingham: “12 minutes left here at Wembley…”
Radio 5live coverage of England v Israel.

“Not what Northern Ireland wanted. Nigel Worthington had targeted at least four points from this match.”
No wonder Northern Ireland struggled in Latvia when set a task like that! (Andy Croft, England).

“Good name for Scrabble.”
Mark Lawrenson, commenting on Israel’s left back, Yoav Ziv. (Pete Stevens, England).

“Geremi has 17 brothers and sisters, he’s never had so much room.”
Sky Sports commentator on the amount of space Chelsea’s Geremi was allowed in the Nottingham Forest FA Cup tie.

And how Diego Forlan missed, only a Manchester United fan will be able to tell you.
Commentator during the Villarreal-Arsenal match.

Fuck you Sam Allardyce, you fucking bitch. A few weeks back you are criticizing Rafa Benitez for prioritizing the Champions League; essentially a response to his complaint about always having a noon fixture after a midweek Champions League game. Now, you are complaining about players being tired from competing in more than one competition, and you even talk about how well you do against teams that are tired from playing in the Champions League. You deserve to be stuck at a shit club you fucking provincial peasant.

With the bitter taste of humiliation still lingering in the mouth of England, I believe it is time for us to move on and reminisce about finer days.  Why it is hard to recall look back in history and not recall a moment when the Germans got a good throttling at the hands of the allies.  There’s WWI, WWII, the ‘66 final, and of course the major motion picture ‘Victory’.  In more recent history one has to celebrate a diplomatic victory with Boris Johnson’s efforts in this testimonial.

Prior to what will undoubtedly be a poor performance from the England national team, here are the highlights from the best England performance in recent memory. Interesting to note that all the England goals are scored by Liverpool players. Crouchy for a hat-trick, then.

In the spirit of things I thought I might be able to get my agent to pull a few strings and get me into Emirates for a

Mr. John,

I am eagerly awaiting information on your end for the PSV Eindhoven trail on September 25th. I can tell you I am extremely excited about the possibility of making the first team. Alex has been in my eye ever since Arsenal got knocked out of the Champions League last season. I am a great supporter of Arsenal and was wondering if you had any connections there? Is there a possibility I could get a trial with Wenger? Some of my friends refer to me as the “Sol of Abermarle County”. I am in constant training and will be ready on your advice.

Sincerely,

Flaming

Unfortunately our friend Mr. John could not pull the right strings at the puppeteers dance, leaving me with about as much choice as Gabriel.

Hello FlamingWok66

How are you doing?Below is the Agency Agreement Form..I will liuke you to print it,fill it and scan it and send it to my email as soon as possible so i can start the processing….

Right now i don;t have any offer from Arsenal..I will like you to yake the offer from PSV Eindhoven Football Club…

I will like you to train very hard…

I will like you to call me on +2348050355768 so i can explain more to you…

Hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

My Legal adviser has warned me that it is best not to sign the contracts due to the suspicious nature of the creased paper and the $390 fee that is supposed to be a managers fee.   Contract negotiations are ongoing at this point.

As the saga of a young footballer continues, things have taken a turn for the better for our protagonist…

Hello Falming [sp]

How are you doing?I will Like to inform you that the club have just contacted me Today that you have pass the screening and you are selected for a try-out on 25th September 2007.

The Agency will take care of your expences(Feeding,Travelling,Accomodation E.t.c)

So i will like to know if you are still intrested so i can send you the Agency Agreement Form…i will Like you to train very hard.

.call me on +2348050355768 for more information….

hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

Flamingwok66: I tried out for a D1 Atlanta Soccer team last night
EroticTangerines: haha….how’d that go
Flamingwok66: those guys are a bunch of pansies
They took me off, conceeded 3 goals and then put me back on.
but I seem to have found the arsenal of D1. Absolutely no finishing ability.
EroticTangerines: That makes them the Liverpool as well, then
although I’m expecting big things out of El Nino
Flamingwok66: We played in the Atlanta siverbacks stadium which was really cool
big ads for Tecate and western union
EroticTangerines: so they can send money back to Mexico…makes sense
I think we need to blog more…the season is about to start
Flamingwok66: I concur.
Need to get [MarkalmGlazer] back posting as well
no one there to blow the trumpet of the community shield.
EroticTangerines: yeah, I had numerous Man U related posts I wanted to do during the summer but I didn’t want to steal his thunder

That was just a small excerpt of how the braintrust behind the WWFU works. After a lazy summer of posting whenever we feel like it (not often) it is time to get back down to business. So, in theory, there should be posts coming more frequently than they have been. We may even track down some of the more elusive elements of the staff.

It appears the greatest transfer of the season was not Torres, Nani, or Henry but nine year old Rhain Davis. Manchester United have once again stolen the steal of the summer by signing Davis from Moreton Bay Boys in Brisbane for an undisclosed fee. However some sources suggest the fee could add up to about 3 packets of twiglets and the complete soundtrack of “High School: the musical”. The signing has raised red flags amongst certain child interest groups who believe that the signing might add evidence to the claim that Sir Alex Ferguson runs a pedophile ring. The child watch agency however is unable to investigate further into the matter as they are busy scrutinizing Thaksin Shinawatra’s sweat shops. One thing is for certain though,  Sir Alex’s “boys” carries a much darker connotation from now on.

Monday morning, three clubs–Newcastle United, Portsmouth, and Glasgow Rangers–were raided by City of London police as part of an investigation into corruption in football. Details are hard to come by, but thanks to some sort of email snafu, I have been accidentally sent a list of the next clubs to be raided.

Sheffield United – Treason

As the above video proves without a shadow of a doubt, Sheffield United is Hitler’s favorite team. Hitler sucks (so does Sheffield United). Even though he’s been dead for 60 years, I’m pretty sure he’s up to something. The police seem to think so too.

Liverpool – Illegal Immigration

As every red-blooded American knows, there is no difference between Spainiards and Mexicans. Liverpool has a shitload of Mexicans on their team. Every Mexican dreams of sneaking into America and mooching off of the hard-working American taxpayer. Thus, Liverpool’s stockpiling of Mexicans must be related to some sort of international Mexican smuggling syndicate.

Arsenal – 419 Scamming

As far as I know, Arsenal does not have any Nigerians on their team. The police investigators are convinced, though, that with all the young African talent that comes through Arsenal they are bound to know something about the 419 scams. I would say more but the son of a Nigerian diplomat needs my help getting his father’s $150 million fortune out of the country.

Manchester United – Sodomy

A picture is worth a thousand words.