It appears as if Brian at The Offside has found a video of the Gerrard goal that has yet to be taken down by the BPL Gestapo. I won’t post it here, but if you follow the above link you can see it.

Also, it seems as if Peter Crouch has challenged the rest of the Liverpool squad to a facial hair growing contest. The garbage-ass article in the Mirror that I linked to seems to insinuate that there has not been a successful athlete with facial hair in a long time. What it neglects to consider, though, is that Liverpool and mustaches go together like beans and toast. Perhaps channeling some of the mustaches of old will be what brings LFC number 19. Below is a look at a few historical Liverpool ’staches.

Graeme Souness:

While some people may only know Souness for his mostly disastrous managerial career, he is probably the finest midfielder to ever play at Liverpool football club. All that needs to be said about him is even his mustache is hard.

Ian Rush:

The all time leading scorer in the English First Division (though Sky will have you believe that nothing existed before 1992, Alan Shearer is not, in fact, the greatest goalscorer in the history of the English game), Rushie would not have been the same player if it were not for his trademark ’stache.

Bruce Grobbelaar:

Famous for pioneering the wobbly legs that Dudek used in 2005, Grobbelaar was known for his adventuresome nature at the back, match-fixing allegations (never proved–fuck you Sun), and his sweet ’stache.

And of course, no Liverpool mustache related post would be complete without the Scouser-stache picture. I don’t care that it is derogatory, it’s damn funny.

I’m off to Germany for the next week, so I most likely won’t be able to do a timely Fernando Torres day if he, in fact, does join Liverpool from Athletico Madrid as is being reported. So, if in the next week Torres does sign I leave you with this video. If he doesn’t sign this goes out as a tribute to Alan Partridge’s estranged son.

I had been meaning to put this up since last week, when I saw it in the Guardian, but have only gotten around to it now. Seeing as how the WWFU is staffed by supporters of Liverpool, Manchester United, and Arsenal, it was convenient that the players of all three of these clubs have, at some point in history, recorded some absolutely awful songs. Of the three, I have to say that the Liverpool one is the best, and not because I am a Liverpool supporter but because they seem to know that they are terrible. Any song that features people drunkenly singing about how funny foreigners’ accents are is alright with me. As for the other two, they bring to mind images of leather and hot pants (especially the Arsenal one).

The Anfield Rap

Move, Move, Move (The Red Tribe)

Hot Stuff (Arsenal)

I am surprisingly not as gutted as I would have expected to be after having just finished watching Liverpool lose in the European Cup final. The fact that Milan’s first goal was a handball, or that the referee–under whose watchful eye Milan have not lost a Champions League game, and Liverpool have never scored a goal, who was picked by a committee headed by an Italian, a representative of a league that has never been known to be corrupt–blew the full time whistle at least a minute too early does not bother me. This is because Liverpool did not deserve to win this game due to Carlo Ancelotti doing his homework.

The Milan boss must have watched game film from the Premier League games as opposed to Liverpool’s European campaign, because this played out exactly like the typical Liverpool League game. Liverpool dominated possession, created numerous chances, yet were found lacking in the final third. Meanwhile, “beautiful” Milan were almost Bolton-esque, nicking a goal from a set piece that came against the run of play and then getting another (albeit an extremely well crafted and well taken one) while Liverpool were chasing the game at the end. I’m sure many of the ill-informed pundits and casual observers will blame Liverpool for this game not being up to snuff entertainment wise, as that seems to be the repuation that everyone clings to, but this one was not our fault.

On a positive note, I got my name mentioned over at DeadOn, which is a site I highly recommend. Also, Liverpool’s loss has removed any temptation I may have had to celebrate, thus leaving me primed for the Lost season finale. My prediction is that Desmond dies in Charlie’s place, but is somehow reborn in another parallel universe. Or something.

I don’t know if my blood pressure has reached a level that’s safe enough to do a rational analysis of tonight’s match yet–every big Liverpool match is a heart attack waiting to happen–but I wanted to make a quick mention of Jose’s post-match comments.

As he did at this juncture two years ago, Mourinho said after going out in the Champions League Semifinals to Liverpool that the best team did not win. While this may have actually been the case in 2005, I just do not see how he can assert that this time around. Liverpool had the better of the chances, and could have won the game in extra time rather than penalties; I think that Ferreira played Kuyt onside, but that point is moot. I wonder if this loss, coupled with the draw with Bolton, spells the end of Mourinho’s tenure at the Bridge. I, for one, hope not, because even though I often do not agree with what he says it’s much more interesting than listening to the same cliche answers over and over again.

Although, judging by how asserting that the team that played the best football did not win is beginning to become a regular habit with him, maybe he’s just practicing for if he takes over Arsenal.

I took some time today to look at our blog stats, and was dismayed to see that the search engine term that was directing the most people to this site was some variation of “anti-liverpool chant.” Not wanting to disappoint our legion of fans, I will offer those United fans who are looking (since everyone knows that Chelsea “fans” don’t chant) a fewone suggestions.

1. Sung to the tune of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain”:
   Fergie became Sir for winning one,
   Fergie became Sir for winning one,
   Paisley won himself three,
   but he’s still no Fergie,
   Oh Fergie became Sir for winning one (European Cup)!

As for the person who came here after searching for “sexual intercourse positions,” I recommend the bobsled (note: not for the faint of heart).
Sorry for only coming up with one song, but I spent too much time trying to fit lyrics to the tune of What a Fool Believes by the Doobie Brothers. Suggestions are welcome in the comments.

AC Milan excepted, none of the semifinalists come into this week’s games in a rich vein of form. Milan is tricky because much of their recent success is due to the resurgance of Ronaldo (the original), who is cup-tied. This being the case, both of these ties could go either way.

Manchester United v. AC Milan: There has been quite a fuss made in the media about how this is a match-up between the speed of United and the experience (i.e., lack of speed) of Milan. This is a bit of a red herring, as the average age of Milan’s probable squad is still under 30, and United are no spring chickens themselves. In fact, judging by some of the names set to play (Scholes, Giggs, Maldini, Nesta) it would not be a stretch to think it was 1997. Do not be afraid to bust out some old Spice Girls hits while you watch the game.

Prediction: Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo will determine the game. Whoever shines brighter’s team will take this leg.

Liverpool v. Chelsea: The two legs of this semifinal will be the 13th and 14th time that these two clubs have met in the past 3 years. A lot of talk is coming from the Chelsea camp that this is the chance for revenge after Luis Garcia’s “phantom goal” at this stage in the competition two years ago. What Maureen and Co. neglect to mention is that had the goal not stood then Petr Cech would have been sent off and Liverpool awarded a penalty. Take it from the referee of that game, Lubos Michel, who told Sunday People

I believe Chelsea would have preferred the goal to count rather than face a penalty with just ten men for the rest of the game. If my assistant referee had not signalled a goal, I would have given a penalty and sent off goalkeeper Petr Cech.

That being said, I get the feeling that Chelsea are due for a win.

Prediction: Eamon Dunphy will not only flog the dead horse of the phantom goal, but he will mount it and perform acts so vile that only the most depraved mind can comprehend them. Then his head will explode.

Full disclosure: I am a Liverpool supporter and am currently wearing my Liverpool shirt under my clothes. All comments I make will be coming from this biased position.

That being said, let me welcome everyone to the first edition of Champions League Bukkake. As of right now it is only a one-man show, but hopefully in the near future it will become a full fledged circle jerk of commentary. I’ll be adding nothing to your enjoyment of the game after the jump.

Pregame: There is no point in speculating on what lineup Benitez is going to choose, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he picks most of the same squad from Saturday’s game against Arsenal. The dearth of Spanish speakers belied the fact that it was probably Liverpool’s most continental lineup. As for PSV all I can tell you is that Brazillian central defender Alex is out and they will most likely play Patrick Kluivert, nicknamed the Black Panther according to Wikipedia, up top.

Well, I was wrong. Liverpool looks to be lining up in a 4-4-2, with Crouch and Kuyt up top. Gerrard is over on the right, Aurelio has moved from left back to left midfield, and Riise and Finnan both back in the lineup. As for PSV, the only guess I made, that Kluivert would play, was completely wrong.

4 min: Pretty sloppy start to this game; the ball is pinging around like one of my men’s league games. Also, first reference to Peter Crouch being tall.

11 min: PSV have predictably put 10 men behind the ball, and if Liverpool continue this early trend of hoofing it up towards Crouch and Kuyt, this could be the least exciting game ever.

14 min: Jamie Carragher, for all the great defensive work he does, is incapable of doing anything but playing it long up the middle. This is why he doesn’t play for England. Actually, scratch that, this makes him perfect for England.

16 min: Great save by the PSV keeper Gomez diving to his left to save a powerful header from Carragher of all people off a Liverpool corner. No way Carragher gets a header like that if Alex is playing.

20 min: PSV is not afraid to shoot from way out there. They’ve had two long range efforts go wide.

23 min: Wow, Tardelli for PSV volleys it into Carragher and almost into the net. From the ensuing corner PSV heads just wide. This sudden flurry of excitement ruined the joke I was about to make about this looking like an England game.

27 min: GOAL!!! Some nifty interplay down the right culminating in a Finnan cross leads to a Gerrard headed goal. There were at least four unmarked Liverpool players in the box. The announcers, who have been talking about barges a lot for some reason, do not have any nautical references.

32 min: If anything happened in the last few minutes I missed it because I was using the bathroom. While in there I noticed my urine smelled like skunk. This deeply troubles me.

34 min: The producer just put up a Team Distance graphic that not even the announcers understand. Jan Kronkamp was third, so I can only assume it has something to do with time until hitting puberty.

39 min: Mascherano picks up a yellow card for a tackle from behind. To be fair to him, he actually got the ball and not the man (somehow), but it looked far worse than it was so can’t argue with the booking.

42 min: The game is starting to open up a bit now, although I don’t think you could call it free flowing. Crouch was just referred to as tall, gangly, but effective. Now Tommy Smyth is advocating playing the long ball to Crouch. Was he watching the beginning of this game?

Halftime: Pretty boring first half. Neither side really deserved a goal, but the Liverpool goal was well taken. I took a moment to check the Guardian’s minute by minute report and noticed that their reporter is making England comparisons, too. I don’t know if I should think myself remarkably astute or if I should be disheartened that I’ve stooped to the intellectual level of a Guardian football writer. If I start praising Arsenal youngsters nonstop for the entire second half you’ll know it’s the latter.

48 min: Is this the same game? It’s been end to end action since the start of the half. The highlight thusfar has been the Xabi Alonso masse shot that looked to be going over the endline and then spun back into play.

49 min: GOAL!!! Most exciting until now; a poor clearance led to a sick Riise half-volley (left footed of course). PSV had moved to 3 at the back–does not seem to be working too well. The announcers have just described one of the PSV defenders as looking a bit agricultural. I think he actually looked more hunter/gatherer.

50 min: Kluivert comes on, vindicating my pregame prediction. The only good thing the announcers can say about him concerns the 1995 Champions League final.

56 min: The announcers are talking about Riise’s bankrupcy now. No mention of my Steve Perry suggestion, however; I think they need to read more.

59 min: PSV look as if they’re in damage control mode. Xabi Alonso just tried to chip the keeper from 45 yards.

63 min: GOAL!!! Liverpool was dominating possession far up the field. Mascherano knocks it back to Xabi Alonso who sprays it out wide to Finnan who throws in a beautiful cross for Crouch to powerfully head home. Two games in a row with a powerful header for Crouch; they must have put a steel plate in his head when they did the nose surgery.

64 min: The Sex Panther, I mean Black Panther (he was acquitted of rape after all) takes out Mascherano and gets booked. Riise is being replaced by Bolo Zenden’s long flowing locks, who looks like a lock to make my impending Premier League All Boy-Band team.

73 min: Aurelio trips over the ground and looks to be hurt; no surprise there since this happens to him all the time. From the point he’s holding on his leg I’m guessing it’s an Achilles injury. It’s a shame, though; he’s the best crosser of the ball on the team and is a real attacking threat on the overlap. Mark Gonzalez replaces him–another favorite for the All Boy-Band team.

85 min: Nothing is happening. The only slightly noteworthy occurance is Crouch off, Pennant on.

88 min: The announcer just said Carragher was “majesterial” in this competition in 2005, which, to the best of my knowledge, is not a word. In other news, Liverpool has been quite cromulent tonight; a thoroughly cromulent performance.

90 min: Kuyt picks up a pointless yellow and will now miss the next leg. There is some speculation from the announcers that he got carded intentionally so his slate will be clean for the semifinals. Maybe Robbie Fowler will get a game in the return leg.

Full time: Not the usual Liverpool European game (i.e. having my blood pressure through the roof for the full 90 minutes). PSV never really gave it a go and once Gerrard got the first goal the result was inevitable. I hope ESPN shows the Milan-Bayern game next week, but I’m not keeping my fingers crossed.

It was revealed today that Liverpool left back John Arne Riise has been declared bankrupt over a £100,000 debt. This debt is said to have stemmed from some unwise investments made by his former manager. If I were managing his investments, I think that I could think of some better ways to spend his money.

1,330 Right-footed Boots

Riise’s inability to do anything with his right foot other than plant it is maddening. It does not make sense to me that someone who makes their living as a professional athlete can have such a glaring hole in their game. Even players from my ill-fated men’s league team had better off-feet than Riise. I would counsel him that out of these 1330 boots there has to be at least one that can make his right foot less horrible.

50,000 Cans of Viking Beer

I actually don’t know how many cans you could buy for £100,000, but it’s probably a lot. If I were Norweigan I’d be crushing this stuff all the time. I mean, it’s a beer that is named after Riise’s people; it would be like if I found a beer called Gypsy. Also, if he drank enough of it he might get the stick out of his ass that prevented him from singing karaoke with Craig Bellamy.

1 Steve Perry Concert

I’m sure for enough money Riise could convince Steve Perry to play a personal concert for him. Perry would undoubtedly perform his biggest solo hit, “Oh, Sherrie,” which also happens to be one of the greatest karaoke songs ever. Once Riise sees this performed live he will be so inspired by its majesty that he will never duck out of a karaoke performance again.

Clearly I’ve got this money spending thing figured out. Any professional athletes who want to take advantage of my services, send me an email and we can set up a lunch meeting.