It has been said that there is no better place to voice your opinions than on the PA. You have the power to mock, create mobs, and ultimately become the loudest advocate for your side. Here is a collection of some of my favorite stadium announcements:“Will Mr Darling go back home to Cambridge to see his wife go into labour. Thank you.”
Stafford Rangers v Cambridge United.

“A message for the owner of car registration —–. Your windows are wide open in the car park. It’s a Rover, so it won’t get stolen, but you had better return to it.”
Plymouth Argyle v Coventry.

“Substitution for West Germany…”
Stadium announcer at Croke Park for the Ireland v Germany match, not realising reunification had taken place.

“Could the owner of a Vauxhall Astra, registration number P914…., please return to their vehicle immediately, as it is rolling unacompanied.”
Heard at Oxford v Torquay.

Will the owner of a horse attached to a rag and bone cart in the visitors’ car park return to his vehicle immediately
Cardiff City PA announcer Ali Yassin welcomes West Ham to Ninian Park.

Chris Waddle: “I would like to see Bentley brought on for the last 20 minutes.”
Mike Ingham: “12 minutes left here at Wembley…”
Radio 5live coverage of England v Israel.

“Not what Northern Ireland wanted. Nigel Worthington had targeted at least four points from this match.”
No wonder Northern Ireland struggled in Latvia when set a task like that! (Andy Croft, England).

“Good name for Scrabble.”
Mark Lawrenson, commenting on Israel’s left back, Yoav Ziv. (Pete Stevens, England).

“Geremi has 17 brothers and sisters, he’s never had so much room.”
Sky Sports commentator on the amount of space Chelsea’s Geremi was allowed in the Nottingham Forest FA Cup tie.

And how Diego Forlan missed, only a Manchester United fan will be able to tell you.
Commentator during the Villarreal-Arsenal match.

With the bitter taste of humiliation still lingering in the mouth of England, I believe it is time for us to move on and reminisce about finer days.  Why it is hard to recall look back in history and not recall a moment when the Germans got a good throttling at the hands of the allies.  There’s WWI, WWII, the ‘66 final, and of course the major motion picture ‘Victory’.  In more recent history one has to celebrate a diplomatic victory with Boris Johnson’s efforts in this testimonial.

In the spirit of things I thought I might be able to get my agent to pull a few strings and get me into Emirates for a

Mr. John,

I am eagerly awaiting information on your end for the PSV Eindhoven trail on September 25th. I can tell you I am extremely excited about the possibility of making the first team. Alex has been in my eye ever since Arsenal got knocked out of the Champions League last season. I am a great supporter of Arsenal and was wondering if you had any connections there? Is there a possibility I could get a trial with Wenger? Some of my friends refer to me as the “Sol of Abermarle County”. I am in constant training and will be ready on your advice.

Sincerely,

Flaming

Unfortunately our friend Mr. John could not pull the right strings at the puppeteers dance, leaving me with about as much choice as Gabriel.

Hello FlamingWok66

How are you doing?Below is the Agency Agreement Form..I will liuke you to print it,fill it and scan it and send it to my email as soon as possible so i can start the processing….

Right now i don;t have any offer from Arsenal..I will like you to yake the offer from PSV Eindhoven Football Club…

I will like you to train very hard…

I will like you to call me on +2348050355768 so i can explain more to you…

Hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

My Legal adviser has warned me that it is best not to sign the contracts due to the suspicious nature of the creased paper and the $390 fee that is supposed to be a managers fee.   Contract negotiations are ongoing at this point.

As the saga of a young footballer continues, things have taken a turn for the better for our protagonist…

Hello Falming [sp]

How are you doing?I will Like to inform you that the club have just contacted me Today that you have pass the screening and you are selected for a try-out on 25th September 2007.

The Agency will take care of your expences(Feeding,Travelling,Accomodation E.t.c)

So i will like to know if you are still intrested so i can send you the Agency Agreement Form…i will Like you to train very hard.

.call me on +2348050355768 for more information….

hoping to hear from you soon…

Thanks

Mr John

With the transfer season window closing in like doors of a subway car, players and coaches are rushing to get on the right side of the tracks.  One club, PSV Eindhoven has become so desperate they have sought out the efforts of an extremely talented and good looking but somewhat renegade player, namely Me.  I received the following correspondence a few days ago.

Hello Player,

How are you doing today? Hope you are fine. I just want to use this opportunity to inform you of the new offer which i have for you in
P.S.V Eindhoven Football club in Holland, and I can also take you to a
soccer club in New-Zealand,Australia and United State of America. If you are interested, i will advice you to send me your CV(RESUME) so that i can access and forward to the club. As i told you earlier on that Trends
will serve you and link you to the best team suited your taste but you need
to train hard. I also want to advice you to take the Full advantage which
Trends International have for you. I want you to include your
telephone
Number in your next reply so that i can call you for better
explanation. Thank you and Hope to hear from you.

YOURS IN SPORTS

MR JOHN

TRENDS INTERNATIONALS SPORTS

I have frequently received offers to join Droylsden and Wrexham but the chance to play in the European theater was not a chance I could pass up.  So I duly responded….

 Dear Mr. John,

I am very interested in your email.  Bellow I have listed my soccer experience and profile for your information.  I look forward to hearing back from you in the near future and greatly anticipate a strong partnership between the two of us in the world of football.

FlamingWok66, 22.
Nationality: British
Religion: Football
Positions:  Left Back, Missionary

Experience:
2007- Ron T. Colts Kickball tournament  – 2nd place

2006-2007 SOCA Division II  – Captain CSKA Elmo
2005-2006 SOCA Division III – Captain CSKA Elmo

2004-2005 SOCA Tornadoes- Coach (14W-1L)

2003 – Vice-Captain Cross Country Bryanston School, England

                                                Colours awarded (2002,2003)

1992 – Wolves (Atlanta, YMCA)
1991-  Attack ( Atlanta, YMCA)

I hope you find the above information helpful as we scribble the beginnings of football history back and forth.

Yours Truly,
FlamingWok

I received the following correspondence but a few minutes ago:

Hello Flaming

   How are you doing?i will like to inform you that  i Love your Cv when i saw it yesterday and i will tell you i have forwarded your  Cv to P.S.V Eindhoven Football club in Holland for screening…

   i will contact you maybe today or tomorrow when the club contact me on the result….

  I will like you to send me your cell phone number and here is my number to call me +2348050355768  hoping to hear from you ..

 Are you training oftenly?????

  Thanks

Mr John

I will keep you updated on my career but don’t be surprised to see a ridiculously good looking new player at PSV.

I’d like to just take a moment to dedicate this to T.H. 14

Yours Always,  Jon Chile.

It appears the greatest transfer of the season was not Torres, Nani, or Henry but nine year old Rhain Davis. Manchester United have once again stolen the steal of the summer by signing Davis from Moreton Bay Boys in Brisbane for an undisclosed fee. However some sources suggest the fee could add up to about 3 packets of twiglets and the complete soundtrack of “High School: the musical”. The signing has raised red flags amongst certain child interest groups who believe that the signing might add evidence to the claim that Sir Alex Ferguson runs a pedophile ring. The child watch agency however is unable to investigate further into the matter as they are busy scrutinizing Thaksin Shinawatra’s sweat shops. One thing is for certain though,  Sir Alex’s “boys” carries a much darker connotation from now on.

We all know Rio as that delightful defender who holds steady the back line of Manchester United and England. He loves Jaffa Cakes, has an uncanny resembelence to Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks, and controls the airwaves in the southend of Old Trafford. His idol: Ashton Kutcher. Unbeknownst to many, Rio started off last summer by punking a couple of his fellow England teammates. It is highly enjoyable watching these players making an ass out of themsleves and Rio showing what an absolute bell-end he is.

David James:

Gazza N:

Crouch:

Becks:

Rooney:

                                                        Interweb prankster? German guitar guru? Motorcycle Hall of Famer? Aussie-rules football star? Wenger’s newest fancy? or Last seasons most unrecognized premiership player? Upon close scrutiny of the official Premiership website, Arsenal has been hiding an extra player. Unknown, Steve Baker plays defence and shares number 6 with the Swiss Cheese, Philippe Senderos.  One fact can be stated with about the newest discovery for the Gunners, is that he has become and instant hit.  With ‘Baker’ shirt sales going through the roof in Cambodia and Nicaruagua, one can only suppose that this was the Arsenal management’s most Machiavellian move.  Rumors have it that Derby plans to invent a player called Chang.  The financial avalance that is forcasted to follow will provide them with enough money to purchase Henry from Barcalona.