A Hypothetical Exercise: What if the Premier League Were American?

After reading an excellent article on today’s Guardian SportBlog about how most English football fans are ignorant, xenophobic, jerk-offs (that’s American for wanker), I tried to look at things from their perspective. The biggest fear seems to be the Americanization of the game, or to use an example, the turning of the Premier League into some sort of version of the NBA, the worst league in all of sport. This got me to thinking about what the league would look like, and the nightmare follows after the jump.

I’ve decided to ignore some of the more obvious aspects of American sports in this exercise–the ability of franchises to uproot and change cities, the constant commercial breaks, the loud rap music that plays during gameplay (think NBA)–and concentrate on something that the MLS does that I think is stupid–the division of the league into conferences or divisions.

Here is what my hypothetical American-style league would look like if it were divided into a Northern Division and a Southern Division, with the dividing line somewhere around Nottingham. I’ve used last season’s league table to give the standings.

Northern Division

Manchester United	89
Liverpool	68
Everton	58
Bolton	56
Blackburn	53
Middlesbrough	46
Newcastle	43
Manchester City	42
Wigan	38
Sheffield United	38

Southern Division

Chelsea	83
Arsenal	68
Tottenham Hotspur	60
Reading	55
Portsmouth	54
Aston Villa	50
West Ham	41
Fulham	39
Charlton	34
Watford	28

I’ll explain the colors on the tables. The bottom two teams from each division will be relegated (sorry Wigan). The top four teams from each division will meet in the division playoffs, with the top team from each division playing the team placed fourth, and the second top playing the team placed third. These would be two-legged ties with the same away-goals rule as the Champions League, with the higher seeded team playing at home in the second leg. Then, the winner from each division would play a one-off final at Wembley. Here’s how it would play out, using the results from last season.

Northern Division

Manchester United (1) v. Bolton (4)
Bolton, playing at home in the first leg, loses 0-4. Then United, home in the second leg, wins 4-1. Manchester United advances 8-1 on aggregate.

Liverpool (2) v. Everton (3)
An intense set of Mersey Derbies in the Northern Division quarterfinals, Everton goes 3-0 up after the first leg, and the timid Liverpool attack can’t muster anything in the second leg. Everton advances 3-0 on aggregate.

Manchester United (1) v. Everton (3)
Everton go down 2-4 after the first leg and United finish them off at home to advance to Wembley 7-2 on aggregate.

Southern Division

Chelsea (1) v. Reading (4)
Chelsea nick a goal at the end of the first leg to go back to the Bridge one up and then nearly piss it all away in the second leg. They advance, however, 3-2 on aggregate.

Arsenal (2) v. Tottenham (3)
Another derby in the quarterfinal round, this one a London one, makes the already tense playoff atmosphere that much more volitile. The first leg ends even, with Arsenal grabbing two crucial away goals, however the Arse outclass Spurs in the second leg to advance 5-2 on aggregate.

Chelsea (1) v. Arsenal (2)
Some real drama with this tie going to extra time after two consecutive 1-1 draws. This is unaccountable for by my system, so I’m flipping a coin to see who advances (though in reality there would be extra time and then penalties). My coin flip sees Arsenal through, which makes sense because if the Champions League taught us anything it’s that Chelsea are shit at penalties.

Premier League Final

Manchester United v. Arsenal
Using last season’s results, there is only one way this one can turn out. Arsenal beat the champions twice last year, so it is only reasonable to say that they win this one. Your 2007 American-style Soccerball Extravaganza League Champions are Arsenal. My colleague Flamingwok66 will be over the moon.

So there you have it. I’m not saying this is a good system, in fact, I think it’s pretty stupid. However, if for some inconcievable reason the Premier League did go all American on us, it probably wouldn’t be the end of the world.